THE TOP 8 WORST FILMS OF 2013
So this list does not include the likes of GROWN UPS 2, or SCARY MOVIE 5 which I already knew were going to rob me blind, hence I did not bother to see them.
In this list, you will see some familiar titles, and even some surprise ones! As always, your comments are and should be kept to yourselves! No, I'm just kidding, just keep them coming.
HORROR ROLL #8
SPRING BREAKERS
Harmony Korine
Sure, it's a badass film featuring its four young leads in underwear for about 80% of the time. Heck, Harmony Korine even obtained the services of Gaspar Noe's cinematographer. Yet, SPRING BREAKERS, for all its deconstruction of juvenile delinquency obsesses too much about pretty much everything, that the slow-mo treatment and repetition of several scenes like a haunting dream feels too much to bear for one sitting.
HORROR ROLL #7
A HAUNTED HOUSE
Michael Tiddes
While the film attempts to rekindle some of the skits and originality that made SCARY MOVIE such a hit and a cult favorite, A HAUNTED HOUSE just becomes one of those ripoffs that capitalizes on the popularity of the materials that it spoofs, such as PARANORMAL ACTIVITY, THE DEVIL INSIDE, and THE LAST EXORCISM. And seriously, the toilet humor has got to go.
HORROR ROLL # 6
THE INTERNSHIP
Shawn Levy
This film screams "SHAMELESS ADVERTISING" from the get-go. I actually saw it and gave it a chance, only to be sorely disappointed. Moviegoers are not idiots (although some considerably are) and we don't like to be reduced to overt idiocy.
HORROR ROLL #5
A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD
John Moore
DIE HARD films have a reputation for not sucking, so when the fifth installment came out, hopes are high. After all, you couldn't go wrong with Bruce Willis, right? Wrong.
The script is not only recycled, but feels as if the writers were commissioned yesterday, and asked to hand in the manuscript by today. The father and son relationship between Willis and Jai Courtney who plays his son, is underdeveloped. But worst of all, the film does not have any shred of significance for today's age (all of the four previous films did). Also, how can you top off a police car ramming a helicopter from Part 4? The filmmakers were clueless and just went with the first idea that popped in their heads.
HORROR ROLL # 4
RUNNER RUNNER
Brad Furman
Not even the sexy and talented Gemma Arterton can save this movie from being a snooze fest. Affleck is clearly miscast as the villain; we need an actor who can deliver a more sinister portrayal of an egotistic swindler (Sorry, Ben, we loved you in THE TOWN, though). The movie felt like a mashup of all the sting films in recent memory (21, CONFIDENCE, to begin with).
HORROR ROLL # 3
MACHETE KILLS
Robert Rodriguez
You know your movie is going down the drain if even Lady Gaga's inclusion as a face-shifting assassin isn't enough. The first MACHETE was pure camp; this one was the black sheep of the family nobody wants to see. It is just plain boring, going nowhere.
HORROR ROLL # 2
THE COUNSELOR
Ridley Scott
And the award for this year's most talkative film goes to....THE COUNSELOR!
All great filmmakers have that dent in their career. This would be Ridley Scott's. The visionary helmer of ALIEN, PROMETHEUS, and GLADIATOR will be marked for life for this mess of a film, but don't worry, we know he'll get up and make better films soon.
THE COUNSELOR felt like a two-hour meeting with someone at a bar, and the topic of discussion is something of little or no interest to you. This is a film with no reprieve at the end. We walk out of the cinema feeling shitty. And whoever did Javier Bardem's hair here ought to be gifted a bolito.
AND THE TOP HORROR ROLL FOR 2013 GOES TO...
THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES
Harald Zwart
Lily Collins is hot as steam in this movie, but this ripoff of TWILIGHT and any other Sci-Fi/fantasy film you could think of pushes the definition of "patience" on a whole new level. Throw in a love triangle that's so pathetic you'd want to slay them all with your bare hands, and a miscast Lena Headey (she eats Persians and Starks' hearts for breakfast, dammit!) and you've got the perfect recipe for disaster.
In this list, you will see some familiar titles, and even some surprise ones! As always, your comments are and should be kept to yourselves! No, I'm just kidding, just keep them coming.
HORROR ROLL #8
SPRING BREAKERS
Harmony Korine
Sure, it's a badass film featuring its four young leads in underwear for about 80% of the time. Heck, Harmony Korine even obtained the services of Gaspar Noe's cinematographer. Yet, SPRING BREAKERS, for all its deconstruction of juvenile delinquency obsesses too much about pretty much everything, that the slow-mo treatment and repetition of several scenes like a haunting dream feels too much to bear for one sitting.
HORROR ROLL #7
A HAUNTED HOUSE
Michael Tiddes
While the film attempts to rekindle some of the skits and originality that made SCARY MOVIE such a hit and a cult favorite, A HAUNTED HOUSE just becomes one of those ripoffs that capitalizes on the popularity of the materials that it spoofs, such as PARANORMAL ACTIVITY, THE DEVIL INSIDE, and THE LAST EXORCISM. And seriously, the toilet humor has got to go.
HORROR ROLL # 6
THE INTERNSHIP
Shawn Levy
This film screams "SHAMELESS ADVERTISING" from the get-go. I actually saw it and gave it a chance, only to be sorely disappointed. Moviegoers are not idiots (although some considerably are) and we don't like to be reduced to overt idiocy.
HORROR ROLL #5
A GOOD DAY TO DIE HARD
John Moore
DIE HARD films have a reputation for not sucking, so when the fifth installment came out, hopes are high. After all, you couldn't go wrong with Bruce Willis, right? Wrong.
The script is not only recycled, but feels as if the writers were commissioned yesterday, and asked to hand in the manuscript by today. The father and son relationship between Willis and Jai Courtney who plays his son, is underdeveloped. But worst of all, the film does not have any shred of significance for today's age (all of the four previous films did). Also, how can you top off a police car ramming a helicopter from Part 4? The filmmakers were clueless and just went with the first idea that popped in their heads.
HORROR ROLL # 4
RUNNER RUNNER
Brad Furman
Not even the sexy and talented Gemma Arterton can save this movie from being a snooze fest. Affleck is clearly miscast as the villain; we need an actor who can deliver a more sinister portrayal of an egotistic swindler (Sorry, Ben, we loved you in THE TOWN, though). The movie felt like a mashup of all the sting films in recent memory (21, CONFIDENCE, to begin with).
HORROR ROLL # 3
MACHETE KILLS
Robert Rodriguez
You know your movie is going down the drain if even Lady Gaga's inclusion as a face-shifting assassin isn't enough. The first MACHETE was pure camp; this one was the black sheep of the family nobody wants to see. It is just plain boring, going nowhere.
HORROR ROLL # 2
THE COUNSELOR
Ridley Scott
And the award for this year's most talkative film goes to....THE COUNSELOR!
All great filmmakers have that dent in their career. This would be Ridley Scott's. The visionary helmer of ALIEN, PROMETHEUS, and GLADIATOR will be marked for life for this mess of a film, but don't worry, we know he'll get up and make better films soon.
THE COUNSELOR felt like a two-hour meeting with someone at a bar, and the topic of discussion is something of little or no interest to you. This is a film with no reprieve at the end. We walk out of the cinema feeling shitty. And whoever did Javier Bardem's hair here ought to be gifted a bolito.
AND THE TOP HORROR ROLL FOR 2013 GOES TO...
THE MORTAL INSTRUMENTS: CITY OF BONES
Harald Zwart
Lily Collins is hot as steam in this movie, but this ripoff of TWILIGHT and any other Sci-Fi/fantasy film you could think of pushes the definition of "patience" on a whole new level. Throw in a love triangle that's so pathetic you'd want to slay them all with your bare hands, and a miscast Lena Headey (she eats Persians and Starks' hearts for breakfast, dammit!) and you've got the perfect recipe for disaster.
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